Total warriors from this arena = 1053
View Awards History for this Arena
DM 036 Newsletter
DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER
Date : 04/04/2024 Duedate: 04/17/2024
JHANS ARENA
DM 36 TURN 964
This Week's Top Honors
THE DUELMASTER IS
POSITION IS EMPTY
Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader
POSITION IS EMPTY DATORK
D'ORKS (693)
(36-8581) [5-3-0,42]
Popularity Leader This Week's Favorite
ALURA JOAN OF ARC
IRON DAMSELS (16) TIME STALLYNS (667)
(36-2084) [19-15-1,100] (36-8566) [2-3-0,24]
THE CURRENT TOP TEAM
SECTION HATE (491)
TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS
Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team
1. D'ORKS (693) 62
2. IRON DAMSELS (16) 49 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
3. THE DREAMING (529) 33 Unchartered Team
4. MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542) 27
5. SUICIDAL DREAMS (525) 23 CHARMERS (692)
The Top Teams
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
1- 1*SIMPLE DISCOURSE (694) 2 1 0 66.7 1/ 1 SECTION HATE (491) 10 5 1
2/ 3*CHARMERS (692) 10 6 1 62.5 2/ 4 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542) 10 5 0
3/ 2 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685) 26 20 2 56.5 3/ 5 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23) 9 6 0
4/ 5 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542) 108 89 12 54.8 4/ 3 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525) 9 6 0
5/ 6 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525) 140 123 7 53.2 5/11 IRON DAMSELS (16) 8 7 0
6/ 7 THE DREAMING (529) 110 98 7 52.9 6/15*D'ORKS (693) 8 7 0
7/12*D'ORKS (693) 21 19 1 52.5 7/ 9 DARK ABUNDANCE (695) 7 5 0
8/ 4 TIME STALLYNS (667) 26 25 1 51.0 8/ 7*PAINFUL VIBES (678) 7 6 1
9/ 9 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23) 433 427 41 50.3 9/ 8 THE DREAMING (529) 7 7 0
10-10 ILLUSION (96) 101 106 14 48.8 10/ 2 TIME STALLYNS (667) 7 7 0
11/16*PAINFUL VIBES (678) 11 12 1 47.8 11/10 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554) 4 11 2
12/11 PAST TENSE (28) 82 92 3 47.1 12/14*GODS OF UNCOOTH (696) 4 11 1
13/14 IRON DAMSELS (16) 148 174 9 46.0 13/12*CHARMERS (692) 3 3 0
14/15 DARK ABUNDANCE (695) 81 96 0 45.8 14/ 6 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685) 3 6 0
15/13 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554) 57 69 6 45.2 15-16*SIMPLE DISCOURSE (694) 2 1 0
16-17 JUSTICE (689) 15 21 3 41.7 16-17 ILLUSION (96) 2 2 2
17/18 SECTION HATE (491) 116 163 15 41.6 17/13 PAST TENSE (28) 2 5 0
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
18/20*GODS OF UNCOOTH (696) 6 16 1 27.3 18-18 JUSTICE (689) 1 4 0
'*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn
(###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank
TEAM SPOTLIGHT
Bookie approaches HAL, the RSI computer with a very apprehensive look in his eyes. He
rocks back and forth with a look that suggests that he was trying to find the words to
say. Slowly, he speaks, "Um, HAL, HAL ole buddy, you, um, sort of blackmailed me two
days for the Jhans newsletter after I teased you about doing exactly that. I'm not a
man who believes in coincidence, so, you, bro?"
HAL's red light blinks twice but no verbal reply comes. Bookie bends over and examines
the computer screen with greater scrutiny. "Come on, HAL. Don't be that way, buddy.
We're cool, right?"
No answer.
"Right?"
Still no answer. Bookie hangs his head and walks out of the room. Suddenly HAL's red
light grows brighter and flashes. In the same tone he used in 2001: A Space Odyssey,
he says, "Don't start not *bleep* won't be no *bleep*, Dave."
A smiley face appeared on the computer screen. HAL added, "Start the *bleep*'n show."
The house band jams out performing Pantera's Walk as the crowd sings along. As
unlikely as it seems, Ultraist is singing lead and appears to be enjoying himself. The
normal Being The Elite set is adorned with balloons and other assorted decorations. It
is obvious that this is a special show.
Bookie walks out from behind the curtain and the lights illuminate the desk and coach
where Cluricus is seen sipping on a coffee mug. The crowd erupts with cheers. Bookie
blows kisses to the crowd and takes several bows.
"Hello, mother*bleep*'rs." The crowd gets louder and Bookie smiles. "What a *bleep*'n
turn to be in Jhans, the Heart and bloody Soul of the Dark Federation. Let's give it
up for Jhans, y'all."
The crowd applauds and screams in response.
"Looks like we're having a party out here, Bookie," Cluricus says as he casually plays
with a grouping of balloons.
"We most definitely ARE having a party, my man. My pride and joy Pixie Dust got her
invitation to the Isle and I couldn't be prouder. And here's a hint to certain slow
people: If Pixie Dust is my warrior, you just might be able to figure out at least one
of my teams in the arena." Bookie straightens his suit and adds, "I actually have to
put that now because the very people who complain about my writing later ask me to
repeat what I wrote. Only in *bleep*'n Alastari."
Cluricus laughs. "It's not like you haven't mentioned every team that's yours in the
spotlights. And I do mean every single one. You've had a good run winning awards.
You've not hidden who you are."
"And," Bookie adds, "And, it's not like one of my teams doesn't have my *bleep*'n name
in it. I mean, how freakin' slow can you be? I thought Den was dense but Good Lord.
And oh, Mr. Den, who also claims that I haven't revealed my teams--have you noticed
when he finally got a winning turn over me he bragged about it? Like, how could he
know he had a winning record against me if he didn't know which teams were mine? So,
I'm calling bull*bleep* on Den's little whiny 'When Bookie finally lists his teams,'
crap.
"But, enough talking about my fan club. I want to give Pixie Dust a proper send off.
She was an average build in all honesty, 15-10-11-15-17-10-11. Hell, a lot of managers
these days wouldn't even give her the time of day, and if they would have missed out
doing that. Pixie is an almost unbelievable +16 in skills. +4 Init, Riposte, Attack,
AND Defense. I personally have never seen anything like it and I think this next fact
speaks volumes: Neon Necromancer said the most he'd ever had a warrior blessed was
+15, and we all know Neon does same serious gaming.
"It was a struggle at times with Pixie despite her ending up 25-12-2 and going on an
impressive 8-1 record since her return. She had a learning curve that was very painful
to endure, but she slowly got her skills to levels that make her pretty dangerous. She
survived being hunted by people like Kid Kizzle, Ultraist, Uncle Charlie, Angus, and,
last and certainly least, Den. That's right, Boo-Boo Kitty. You could have killed the
best warrior I've ever had, but you missed her by that much."
Cluricus takes out a flask, opens it, and holds it up to the crowd, "I say we have a
toast to dear ole Pixie. Here's to what may be the most blessed warrior to ever come
out of Jhans. If she's not the most she's certainly top five or top ten and that's
worth celebrating. Cheers, mate."
Bookie is handed a glass and chugs the ale with one first thrown up in the air. He
hands the drink back and screams, "Wooo! Well, Pixie covers Duelmaster, Recognition
Leader, and Popularity Leader. Cluricus! What are the other awards this turn?"
Taking a piece of paper off the desk, Cluricus says, "Unchartered Recognition Leader
is DATORK of D'ORKS. ARABIAN NIGHTS is top chartered team with TIME STALLYNS right on
their heels."
Raising a finger, Bookie says, "And remember folks, both those teams were unchartered
not long ago so their win percentage could change drastically over just a couple of
turns. So, let's keep an eye on that one. It's a marathon, not a sprint. What else you
got, Cluricus?"
"ARABIAN KNIGHTS got team on the move followed by GODS OF UNCOOTH. And the TOP TEAM
goes to ALLIED AXIS' SECTION HATE."
The crowd boos but Bookie slowly applauds. "Hey, hey, we are classy like that. When
someone does well in the arena, even if we despise him, we recognize their
achievements. That's something else we were accused of not doing by the people who are
mad about the writing but don't read the writing so why are they mad about it in the
first place?"
"Facts and a fool rarely walk together," Cluricus said grinning.
"That covers the awards section of the show. Congratulations to all the award winners.
You didn't just get an award, you got an award in one of the nastiest arenas around.
Keep up the good fight and swords high, mother*bleep*'rs. Next we have a short skit
featuring everyone's favorite Manson Family inspired manager, UNCLE CHARLIE!!"
The scene changes a host of children sitting on the ground in front of a sign that
reads, "JHANS PUBLICE LIBRARY." Uncle Charlie walks into view holding a large picture
book. He takes a seat and smiles pleasantly.
"Hello, boys and girls. Today, we are going to read a book called, 'The Animal
Whisperer Goes to Old Man Den's Farm.' Y'all ready?"
The kids applaud. Some bounce up and down excitedly. Uncle Charlie opens the book and
begins to read.
"Once upon a time, there was an animal whisperer who could speak with any animal you
can imagine. He went to the farm of an old grumpy man whose name was DEN. The animal
whisperer went around and talked to the cows, the pigs, the chickens, the sheep, and
the horses. He loved talking to animals. He thought they were more interesting than
most people."
Charlie turns the page and continues, "Den saw the animal whisperer and marched up all
grumpy and growling like the cranky ole *bleep* that he was. Den said, 'What are you
doing on my farm?'"
"The animal whisperer replied, 'I was speaking with all your animals. The cow told me
how you get up every morning and milk her and feed her. I spoke to the pigs who told
me how you slop them and how much they love playing in the mud. Then I spoke to your
sheep..."
"Den turned fifty shades of red and interrupted screaming, 'Those sheep are god*bleep*
liars! The End." Charlie puts the book down and asks, "So, children. What did we
learn?"
Several children raise their hand, Charlie points at one and says, "Timmy, what did
you learn from the story?"
Timmy smiled revealing he was missing one of his front teeth. He said quite frankly,
"I learned that Den *bleep*s sheep."
Uncle Charlie smiled proudly. "That's right, Timmy! Den *bleeps* sheep." He then turns
his attention to the camera. "Sure, Den, that was recycling a 'joke' you used last
week, but this is what it looks like when you intelligently make a joke actually
humorous and not just hate-filled dribble. You'll learn, one day. Back to you in the
studio."
The house band plays a few bars of the Rolling Stones' Honky Tonk Women as Bookie
dances behind the desk while seated. The music stops and he quickly fist bumps
Cluricus and says, "Ladies and gents, have we ever got a surprise guest this week.
Believe it or not, this person reached out to the show claiming that she was a fan. I
think once you see who it is, you'll know why we invited her to join us. With that
said, ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm Bullet Club welcome to DEN'S WIFE!!"
The curtains open to reveal a darkhaired woman who appears to be a former beauty queen
who has aged gracefully into her 30s. The crowd's initial response is to boo, but
these quickly give way to whistles and catcalls. Even Bookie and Cluricus look
impressed.
"How in the world?" Cluricus asks.
Bookie shrugs. "I have no *bleep*'n clue."
Den's wife waves to the crowd and blows them kisses. Unlike her husband, her
disposition seems to be one that is quite pleasant and enjoyable. She approaches the
couch.
Bookie holds up a finger. "Wait a minute. Considering who this is, did we frisk her
properly. She's not got any assassin blades hidden anywhere, does she?"
Off screen, Polarius shouts, "I'm the one who searched her."
"Were you thorough?" Bookie asks.
"Look at who you're talking to, dude," Polarius responds. "I can tell you her grooming
habits. Let's just say that you're clear for landing."
Den's wife giggles and blushes. She shrugs her shoulders and says, "What can I say? I
like airplanes."
"Well come on over and have a seat, little lady," Bookie says smiling.
Everyone gets in their spots on the set and the interview begins. "First off," Bookie
says, "I was absolutely stunned to hear that you were a fan of the show."
Den's wife smiles. "Yes, anyone and anything that can give my husband a headache I'm a
fan of."
"So, you two aren't close?" Cluricus asks.
"It was an arranged marriage. You tell me," Den's wife replies.
"Won't he get furious you're here?" Bookie inquires.
Smiling brightly, Den's wife says, "I most certainly hope so."
Bookie chuckles. "I like her already." He takes a letter off the desk and looks it
over. "It said in your letter that you're a big fan of the Guns Up."
She nods. "Oh, yeah. I *bleep*'n love when you guys do that, but I'm still trying to
learn."
"It's real easy," Bookie says with a mischievous grin. "Make a fist. Now extend your
index finger and your thumb. That's what makes the gun hand sign."
Following directions, Den's wife makes the sign and giggles. "So, it's like a finger
bang?"
The crowd erupts in giggles. Bookie and Cluricus exchange looks. Chuckling, Bookie
says, "Yeah, you could call it a finger bang. Would.. would you like me to finger bang
you?"
Den's wife nods excitedly. "Please do!"
"Guns up!" Bookie says and lifts his hand to the air. Den's wife does the same and
their index fingers touch. The crowd cheers. "There we go. Hey, Den, check it out! I'm
finger banging your wife on live television."
Cluricus falls off the couch laughing. He fights to catch his breath. "Oh, god. I love
this freaking show."
Polarius' head pops out of the potted plant behind the desk. He smiles at Den's wife
and says, "I'll finger bang ya, girl. You make me feel like the King of the Seven
Planets."
"But there are eight planets," Den's wife replies.
With a devious grin on his face, Polarius says, "Not after I destroy Uranus there
won't be."
Bookie steps between the two and says, "Before this gets out of hand, let's go to
something we recorded earlier where Consortium and I made good on our bet. Enjoy."
A quick transition and we see Consortium standing at the bottom of a well. In front of
him is a rickety old table with a Crimson colored jersey on it. Consortium sighs.
"Well, per our bet about the Alabama Crimson Tide/Clemson basketball game in the Elite
Eight in the Otherworld, I have come to say congratulations to Alabama for their win."
He looks down at the jersey and then looks up. "Do I really have to put the jersey
on?"
Bookie is seen at the top of the well. "It puts the jersey on its skin or else it gets
the hose again." He chuckles.
"Silence of the Lambs, Bookie?" Consortium asks.
"Hey, good movie. Now, put the *bleep*'n jersey on."
Consortium grumbles and puts the Alabama jersey on. "Is there anything else I have to
do?"
"Say the line," Bookie replies.
With a disgusted look on his face, Consortium says, "Roll Tide Roll."
"And you've got to consider putting a team in Jhans."
"That was never part of the bet."
Bookie puts on a Darth Vader mask and speaks using a voice altering device. "I've
altered the bet. Pray that I don't alter it further."
"Fine!! I'll consider it. Can I get out of here now?"
"Right after this. I've invited the brass section from Alabama's Million Dollar Band.
So, you guys come on and get in the shot. Let's give this man a proper Ramma Jamma
cheer."
The band fires up and Bookie shouts, "Hey, Clemson! Hey, Clemson! Hey, Clemson! We
just beat the hell out of you! Ramma Jamma Yella Hamma! Give 'em hell, Alabama!"
Bookie gives the band members high-fives and celebrates. "Final Four, baby! We are
going all the way! Who do we play next?"
"UConn," a trombone player answers.
Bookie's demeanor changes to one of total dejection. He sighs. "Oh, well. It was a
good season. Let's go, guys."
Consortium waits at the bottom of the well. No help comes. No ladders or lowered.
"Bookie? Umm. Bookie? I'm still down here. Bookie! Get me out of here!"
Static.
The entire Bullet Club staff has gathered as Ultraist leads the band in playing some
exit music. Bookie waves to the crowd. "That will wrap up another episode of Being The
Elite! We'd like to thank everyone who participated and extra special thanks to
Consortium who made a donation to the Jhans Orphan Fund as part of our best."
Cormo's mom pops her head up in the back and screams, "*Bleep* them kids!"
The audience bursts into laughter. Bookie doubles over laughing. "Why is she still
here?"
Cluricus shrugged. "Someone in HR gave her a job."
Bookie looks confused. "Dude, I AM HR. Let me get to the bottom of this. Until later,
farewell from the Heart and Soul of the Dark Federations Jhans."
Static.
Consortium still stands at the bottom of the well with his hands on his hips.
"Bookie," he screams to no reply. He takes out his phone and places a call. "Hello?
AARP? Yeah, Consortium. Mhm. Mhm. Yup. Stuck at the bottom of a well again. Fifteen
minutes? Sweet." He hangs up and waits patiently.
***---------*---------*---------*---------**---------*---------*---------*---------***
Cookie slowly woke up, rubbing his temples trying to get his thoughts together. The
headache was thundering between his ears making even his vision a struggle. The
memories of last night were like quick flashes of a broken story stopping for only a
quick visit in his head. If he focused really hard on an image, he could almost hear
the sounds of the memory playing along, bringing back a glimpse of what happened. He
was home, at least that meant something, he had enough wits about him to make it back
to his rented room. The room was not much, it was once the stall where they kept the
crippled goats until slaughter, but the owners added a door and swept out most of the
hay and droppings. Cookie didn't mind, he just needed a bed, even a straw bed was good
enough for him. Having finally accepted his position in life this small space was
where he felt safe, it was his for only two coppers each day. Sometimes the coppers
came easy, sometimes they were tough, but he always paid, and his straw bed always
welcomed him.
He sat up, forcing his eyes open and blinking back against the light of day, even in
his poorly lit space. With a start he jammed a hand into his pocket and pulled out a
few coins, relief swelling inside of him once he realized that he still had the
ability to pay for today's room rent. Last night's fun certainly took its toll on his
coin purse though, at least half were no longer there. Cookie enjoyed many bad habits,
the bottle being just one and last night that habit was happy to be embraced. He had
performed many stupid actions after a few bottles, but this time he was flummoxed,
somehow in all the fun last night he found himself home alone with a sword training
device (STD). He struggled to remember how he had gotten it, but the memory kept
getting away from him.
As he shook his head an image flashed, he remembered walking over to the table where
The Consodomite was sitting. As he approached the table, he noted the paperwork that
was spread across the space, lovely images of children at play. Several had notes
written into the margins that looked like a sequence of events. Cookie remembered how
lovingly The Consodomite handled the documents, how softly his hands would play over
the images, the needy look in his eyes and the steady stream of drool at the corner of
his mouth. He remembered how quickly The Consodomite bundled his documents together
and put them away when he realized Cookie was there. Instead, replacing them with a
set of awards that appeared to have been homemade. He began to remember the
conversation they had...
"Hey check these out Cookie, these are my awards for getting warriors to the Isle of
the Eye." The Consodomite boasted. Cookie looked at the awards realizing they were
handmade and not official at all. Picking one up, he asked, "What is this award for?"
The light shined bright in The Consodomite's eyes, "Oh, this one is wonderful, this is
for my Striker that received an invite after fighting only 21 fights, 16 of them
against arena stand-ins. Sometimes people try to challenge my warriors, but then I
don't fight them and that removes the threat. Also, I rarely tell anyone that a team
is mine so I don't have to worry about grudge challenges. You should come over to my
house and see all the statues I have made of myself. I love myself." Cookie realized
that he would just keep talking about himself if he stayed there, so he stumbled away.
After thinking about that conversation he realized that there was no way The
Consodomite would have given him a sword training device, the man is so in love with
himself that he would not share anything. Squeezing his eyes tight he thought harder
about the evening and then remembered seeing Doc Squeal hiding in the corner,
surrounded by a wall of paper boxes. Cookie slowly put the next few minutes together
in his head...
"Doc Squeal, I just have to know, do they call you that because you like to squeal or
because you want to make me squeal?" asked Cookie as he approached. Doc Squeal quickly
flipped a few documents over and said, "If you think these were my strategies, you are
mistaken, they are someone else's so it doesn't matter if you looked at them or not."
Cookie was puzzled because he didn't use much strategy, most of his warriors were just
bricks, they stood there and soaked up damage. They exchanged a few words but Cookie
found Doc Squeal to be about as interesting as reading instructions for sandpaper. He
started to question his obsession with the man, but trying to control your urges and
feelings was folly. Cookie kept trying to talk to him, but eventually Doc Squeal just
kept piling boxes up until it was hard to talk through them.
Cookie shook his head; it was doubtful that Doc Squeal gave him a sword training
device. He wondered, he usually found his partner Cluripus and finished the evening
with him. Their game of "Buns Up" was always a nice way to spend time, but never had
he ever woke up with a sword training device after playing buns up with his partner.
This was a new development and he was not sure he was going to figure out where he got
the sword training device. If he couldn't figure this out, how was he ever going to
figure out where he also got the halberd extraction remover parry expert simulator
(HERPES)?
From the desk of Den and the Allied Axis.
SPY REPORT
I was going on vacation, see? Surf, sun... But what do those bums say? "Hit
the road, Debby Tonte. JHANS needs a spyreport." Oh, well. I don't wanna hurt
anybody's feelings or anything, but TIME STALLYNS really goofed with their 0-5-0.
The guys at D'ORKS like really pulled together to get a 5-0-0 this turn, moving up by
9. Cut this out and put it in your scrapbooks, PAINFUL VIBES! 'Cause they got 3-1-0
and moved up to 8th! MVP award for BEHUTIFUL? IRON DAMSELS' proud of her after
beating SOUL CALIBER and getting 21 points. Talk about yer big time losers! SOUL
CALIBER got smashed by BEHUTIFUL, and lost 17 points! The Duelmaster isn't going to
stop just cause she's Number One! KASIM knows this. He was challenged by the
Duelmaster. Don't you think the Duelmaster is being unfair? I think PIXIE DUST
should let KASIM be Duelmaster for a while, without fighting about it. Who was the
wiseguy that said JHANS' Duelmaster was paying for drinks at Lucas Lounge? Don't
look at me!
AAARRGH!!! I HATE SPYREPORTING!!! Sorry. I just had to say it. The warriors
of BIG LAKE BASHERS must be getting lonely. They were the most avoided team. Do you
guys know something that I don't? I don't know what MEMPHIS MAFIA II's been doing.
They certainly haven't been accepting many fights from BIG LAKE BASHERS, that's fer
sher. Like, is DEFIANCE popular, or what? He was challenged the most in all of
JHANS! He's got a 6-8-2, is that good? QUAD 15 is being unfair. She's challenged
down 23 against KAOW'BHEL. I don't know why they let this stuff go on. (I'd better
shut up) KAOW'BHEL is a real woman! She was challenged by QUAD 15, 23 points above,
and BEAT her! Dark Arena, anyone? People were asking me did KIZZLE CANT KILLME
REALLY challenge OVERSIZE CARRION? (all right, maybe they didn't, but it sounded
good!) It wasn't a spectacular fight, or anything, but OVERSIZE CARRION wants me to
write about it since it was subdued by KIZZLE CANT KILLME. Satisfied? NAME A
KARDASHIAN must not be a good enough fighter to get in fair fights. She challenged
OBSESSION. 12 is a big difference. (Well, that's what they tell me.) I thought NAME
A KARDASHIAN showed great skill and promise when she beat OBSESSION. All right, so I
slept through it! Big deal!
Man, all these warriors dying and killing each other! Don't you guys ever give
it a break? TALOPEA SINN really fought hard against EUROTRASH GIRL. That'll teach
BOOKIE'S BROTHEL not to go and kill any of IRON DAMSELS' guys again, huh! Fight,
fight, fight. Is that all you guys can do?
I really didn't, you know, study when I was a kid. Who would've guessed I'd be
a famous Spyreporter? I know how much you like reading this stuff, but I really
should stop. Its been really albendranius! Later, guys-- Debby Tonte
DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
KILL-KID FIZZLE 6646 TP 23 5 0 104 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
MYSTERICAL 8404 TP 21 8 0 104 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23)
-SUPER SIZE ME 6347 ST 11 9 0 103 PAST TENSE (28)
ALURA 2084 PS 19 15 1 100 IRON DAMSELS (16)
TROY 8620 WS 15 9 0 98 DARK ABUNDANCE (695)
THE LOVE ABOVE 6892 BA 11 5 0 93 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
KASIM 8523 PS 7 6 0 92 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
GAMBIT 6161 AB 21 19 2 90 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
BRICKHOUSE 5960 TP 18 2 0 89 SECTION HATE (491)
-TITANIC 178 WS 20 16 0 85 PAST TENSE (28)
KALISTA J'NAE 6631 SL 15 13 1 83 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
PIMP BEEFAROONY 6579 TP 18 11 0 77 THE DREAMING (529)
BEAUTIFUL SADNESS 6558 PS 13 17 2 72 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
NEON'S MAMMA 6376 TP 13 11 0 69 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
DALTOS 8622 AB 15 9 0 67 DARK ABUNDANCE (695)
CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
CAP'N FLOPPY 6935 TP 13 2 0 61 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
DEFIANCE 6122 BA 6 8 2 61 SECTION HATE (491)
ALI BABA 8555 LU 6 4 1 61 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
KIZZLE CANT KILLME 6893 TP 10 6 0 60 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
BEHUTIFUL 3482 ST 7 5 2 57 IRON DAMSELS (16)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
SHE-WOLF 8208 LU 9 9 0 56 TIME STALLYNS (667)
OVERSIZE CARRION 6620 SL 9 18 1 52 PAST TENSE (28)
-EX POST FACTO 6621 TP 8 4 0 51 PAST TENSE (28)
KERIK TROLLBANE 8604 LU 5 0 0 51 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23)
NIGHT SHADE 6953 TP 10 3 0 50 THE DREAMING (529)
SCARLET 6921 ST 8 6 1 49 THE DREAMING (529)
MISS DAYTONA 3164 AB 10 14 0 48 IRON DAMSELS (16)
TALOPEA SINN 3476 BA 6 8 1 47 IRON DAMSELS (16)
YAKUZA 8589 ST 4 3 1 45 SECTION HATE (491)
GENGHIS KHAN 8210 LU 4 5 0 45 TIME STALLYNS (667)
DATORK 8581 PS 5 3 0 42 D'ORKS (693)
-SCHEHERAZADE 8508 PS 4 2 0 42 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685) *
SHAHRYAR 8510 BA 6 7 1 41 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
WONKEYE 8579 LU 6 2 0 40 D'ORKS (693)
SOUL CALIBER 8209 WS 6 3 0 34 TIME STALLYNS (667)
CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
HORKDUP 8578 ST 4 4 0 32 D'ORKS (693)
SKYDXDDY 8568 TP 6 3 0 30 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
RAGNAR LOTHBROK 8565 BA 5 3 1 30 TIME STALLYNS (667)
-SADISTICOP 8534 3 2 1 30 JUSTICE (689) [AB-LU-PL]
NAME A KARDASHIAN 8573 BA 3 0 1 30 CHARMERS (692)
BRILLIANT RAGE 6803 SL 6 6 2 27 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
TRA'SHELLE XANIA 6630 PR 5 11 1 27 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
LOATHING 8556 PS 7 3 0 25 SECTION HATE (491)
KAOW'BHEL 8656 SL 1 2 0 25 D'ORKS (693)
-IMPATIENT OF GENIUS 8599 1 0 0 25 SIMPLE DISCOURSE (694) [AB-BA-LU-PR-SL-ST-TP]
NOT DEN 8570 TP 4 2 0 24 CHARMERS (692)
JOAN OF ARC 8566 ST 2 3 0 24 TIME STALLYNS (667)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
THE LOVE BETWEEN 8591 BA 4 3 0 23 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
TITAN OF TRASH 8664 BA 2 0 1 23 GODS OF UNCOOTH (696)
-DEMONICOP 8538 ST 2 1 1 23 JUSTICE (689)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
-THE REBUKER 8544 PR 2 1 0 21 JUSTICE (689) *
EUROTRASH GIRL 8657 AB 1 1 1 18 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
-MASK 8583 1 1 1 17 ILLUSION (96) [AB-BA-LU-PL-PR-PS-SL-ST-TP-WS]
BABY COOKIE 8586 LU 3 5 0 16 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23)
-PASSION 8400 PR 2 2 0 15 PAINFUL VIBES (678)
LEMAN 8670 1 0 0 15 DARK ABUNDANCE (695) [AB-BA-LU-TP]
SUFFERING 8654 LU 2 1 1 14 PAINFUL VIBES (678)
-SUN DEVIL 8594 1 1 1 14 ILLUSION (96) [AB-LU-SL-ST-TP]
FLAILING ATTACK 8642 TP 3 1 0 13 SECTION HATE (491)
-PRINCE CHARMING 8574 ST 2 1 0 13 CHARMERS (692)
EDITH THE MAUL 8676 1 0 0 13 IRON DAMSELS (16) [AB-BA-LU-TP]
TNKR 'BHEL 8659 BA 1 1 0 11 D'ORKS (693)
HATE 8641 TP 3 1 0 10 PAINFUL VIBES (678)
ZELDA 8609 PS 2 3 1 10 THE DREAMING (529)
VENGEANCE 8671 AB 1 0 0 10 PAINFUL VIBES (678)
OBSESSION 8403 LU 2 3 0 9 PAINFUL VIBES (678)
QUAD 15 8605 SL 2 3 0 9 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23)
BLURT 8653 2 0 0 9 DARK ABUNDANCE (695) [AB-BA-LU-TP]
-EXCESSIVE FORCE 8543 SL 1 2 0 9 JUSTICE (689)
TISIPHONE 8640 BA 1 3 0 8 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
-MIRROR 8575 SL 1 2 1 6 ILLUSION (96)
-HUSK 8497 1 1 1 5 PAST TENSE (28) [BA-LU-PS-SL-TP]
-BRING SALT TO SOUP 8601 1 0 0 5 SIMPLE DISCOURSE (694) [AB-BA-LU-PR-SL-ST-TP]
ANGEL OF REFUSE 8663 TP 1 1 0 4 GODS OF UNCOOTH (696)
-RAPUNZEL 8572 SL 0 2 0 4 CHARMERS (692)
-CHAMELEON 8593 SL 0 2 0 2 ILLUSION (96)
GOD OF GARBATE 8661 LU 0 2 0 2 GODS OF UNCOOTH (696)
-THE PROSECUTOR 8595 SL 0 2 0 2 JUSTICE (689)
-FAITH IN CAUSATION 8600 0 1 0 1 SIMPLE DISCOURSE (694) [BA-LU-PS-SL-TP]
LORD OF LITTER 8673 0 1 0 1 GODS OF UNCOOTH (696) [AB-LU-PR-SL-TP-WS]
MONDEGO 8674 LU 0 1 0 1 THE DREAMING (529)
HERO OF JHANS 8672 AB 0 1 0 1 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23)
'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge?
POKEE 8582 3 2 1 D'ORKS 693 DEFIANCE 6122 961
ANSEL 8675 0 1 0 DARK ABUNDANCE 695 TITAN OF TRASH 8664 964
STUG 8612 2 1 0 DARK ABUNDANCE 695 YAKUZA 8589 962 JUST REVENGED
DEMIEGOD OF DUMP 8662 1 1 0 GODS OF UNCOOTH 696 BRILLIANT RAGE 6803 964
DIRTY DICTY 8660 0 1 0 GODS OF UNCOOTH 696 SUFFERING 8654 963
LL CHIPPIE 8596 2 3 0 IRON DAMSELS 16 EUROTRASH GIRL 8657 963 JUST REVENGED
LUST 8402 1 1 0 PAINFUL VIBES 678 NAME A KARDASHIA 8573 961
WHIMSICAL DELIGH 8606 0 1 0 SUICIDAL DREAMS 525 ZELDA 8609 960 NOT REVENGED
PERSONAL ADS
Den -- Sorry about last turn, I am not sure why Ragnar did not fight. I do not "think"
I forgot to send in a strat, I do not "think" I intentionally left him out for the
tourney, he is a BA so.... tourney is doubtful. Anyway, I do apologize. -- Gentleben
Consortium -- Got it, so you are okay with Bookie being vulgar and insulting, but not
Den. I'm guessing because Bookie compliments you, thus the way to Consortium's
acceptance is simply flattery, just like the other girls. So, you don't stand for fair
play and comradery any longer, just flattery. Hey, you are who you are, just be you
and be proud of it. I was correct on putting you on the same side of the line as
Bookie. I have been fighting in 33 for a few years so I think I know a little about
both of these guys and you. What team do you run here so I can adjust my challenges
accordingly? -- Kodiak
Bookie -- Calm down princess, can't you take the heat? I called you out on your
vulgarity, it's in the newsletters if you care to refresh your memory. I have no
desire to have any understanding of your real-life situation and I don't need to add
you to my friends list, so quit crying and trying to justify your rantings. If you
don't like being called out on your crap, then stop reading it, sound familiar?
Crybaby. -- Kodiak
Den -- Sounds good, let me know what the plan is. Does anyone actually know which
teams are on their side or is that still the greatest secret in Jhans? -- Kodiak
Consodomite -- I love it that someone is finally calling you out on your crap. I think
everyone is realizing that you don't stand for anything other than your tired old
narrative. Give the DDS a break and try something new. What team do you fight here
again? -- Den, the guy that doesn't use anonymity as a tool
Cookie -- I am sure you are used to putting stuff in your mouth, but don't put words
into my mouth. At no point did I say it was their problem if they were mad. I told you
the managers that are crybabies and get offended easily, which are The Consodomite,
Gonad, and Gentile Ben, those are the snowflakes. Maybe you know this, maybe you
don't, the mask that you think is the "devil" is actually the mask that Zed puts on
the Gimp. You look like an idiot. So, Tyrant-Apex had an idea that I like, a little
contest between us. Looks like we can put together 4-6 teams. Are you all talk or can
you actually fight? Want to make it interesting? Challenges will be easy in about five
turns after everyone else has left, with you to quickly follow after being embarrassed
on the sands. This may be the only thing that Jhans would be known for, other than
that I fight here. -- Den
Kodiak -- Interested in killing Cookie's stuff? Like, his warriors, his life, his
special purpose, and his bank account? -- Den
Tyrant-Apex -- The good times will be rolling faster than rawhide, looking forward to
the kill contest. -- Den
Philthy Phil -- Nicely done winning the Current Top Team again. Once you started
challenging Cookie's stuff, great things have happened. Keep challenging and keep
winning. -- Den
Gentile Ben -- 11 wins is almost as impressive as 12, next time try harder. -- Den
Tyrant-Apex/TNA -- We have never properly met before now, so I truthfully have no idea
what kind of manager or person you are. Apparently, you've had issues with Den
previously (and who hasn't). Notice how quickly he jumped on wanting to form an
alliance. Wonder why? Wonder what could make the same fella who said god knows what
about you, your teams, your wife, kids, etc suddenly want to be your buddy? Den is
backed into a corner and not sure what to do. Not only is he unable to agitate me with
his garbage spewing rhetoric (please not last newsletter he mentioned intercourse with
my wife, reference baby batter, and made beastiality references) but I'm also
portraying a larger personality than his in the arena and it's eating him alive. Along
with the help of my mates we have taken Den's dominance of this arena and shoved it
down his throat. He's only five fights above 0.500 now and only two of his three what
seemed assuredly to be easy graduates made it out because I sent went one to the Dead
Tournament in October. He wants your help because for one of the first times in his
life, he's actually backpedaling getting out fought, out strategized, and out talked
in his life. If you want to take his side, I'm good with it. I love a good fight, but
run your eyes and take a good look at who the real bad guy is. I may love to curse,
but I'm far from whatever Den exactly is. Listen to Consortium. All I'm doing is
serving Den his own medicine and actually doing it in a wittier comedic fashion. So,
you in or out? And welcome to Jhans. -- Bookie
Den -- Boy, have I apparently gotten under your skin. Baby batter? Beastiality? Sounds
like you're letting your autobiography slip into your personal ads. And banging my
wife? Sticking any part of yourself in that wildebeest is questionable at best. I left
her after she started banging every single dude at her church, and that's a shoot. For
the love of God, get to a physician quickly. You can't make me mad. You can't out talk
me. You can't out fight me. You Freeblade boys never could handle a proper Delarquan
party. Apparently, you still can't. Cormo was a joke. Scumby Cookie was a total
disaster and Baby Cookie is struggling at best. You can't even run a proper TP in
Jhans. Take that weak ass *bleep* and go home, little man. Studcraft is waiting on his
cookies, milk, and bedtime story... so go tuck him in bed and admit, once again,
you're a failure at the one thing you thought you were actually good at. -- Bookie,
the Devil
Arabian Knights and Time Stallyions -- You boys seem to be blocking the top top
chartered team title. It ain't personal, it's just business, but I'm gonna have to ask
you boys to move. -- Bookie
Philthy Phil -- So, what's it like having to take up the slack of your homeboy there?
Friends in real life, right? HS buddies? College? Work? I guess it really doesn't
matter, but how many times are you going to let his mouth push you into a war you
didn't ask for. Is he really worth it? -- Bookie
LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS
DALTOS devastated YAKUZA in a action packed 1 minute mismatched Bloodfeud fight.
TALOPEA SINN subdued EUROTRASH GIRL in a 1 minute veteran vs. novice Bloodfeud melee.
ANGEL OF REFUSE was outwaited by SUFFERING in a 9 minute novice's Bloodfeud contest.
PIXIE DUST devastated KASIM in a 1 minute uneven Challenge brawl.
BRICKHOUSE luckily beat KALISTA J'NAE in a exciting 8 minute Challenge struggle.
KILL-KID FIZZLE unbelievably bested TROY in a 5 minute expert's Challenge fight.
ALI BABA was vanquished by GAMBIT in a 1 minute uneven Challenge duel.
KIZZLE CANT KILLME defeated OVERSIZE CARRION in a 4 minute expert's Challenge duel.
KERIK TROLLBANE defeated SHAHRYAR in a 1 minute Challenge match.
DEFIANCE overpowered MISS DAYTONA in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge match.
QUAD 15 was devastated by KAOW'BHEL in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict.
BRILLIANT RAGE savagely slew DEMIEGOD OF DUMPS in a 1 minute Challenge brawl.
NOT DEN outlasted FLAILING ATTACK in a tiring 27 minute Challenge duel.
ZELDA was bested by BABY COOKIE in a 1 minute Challenge duel.
GOD OF GARBATE was handily defeated by TNKR 'BHEL in a 1 minute Challenge bout.
NAME A KARDASHIAN devastated OBSESSION in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge brawl.
TISIPHONE was subdued by LOATHING in a 3 minute Challenge bout.
MYSTERICAL beat THE LOVE ABOVE in a 3 minute match.
ALURA overpowered NEON'S MAMMA in a crowd pleasing 5 minute gory mismatched conflict.
BEAUTIFUL SADNESS was defeated by PIMP BEEFAROONY in a 2 minute veteran's duel.
SHE-WOLF was unbelievably bested by CAP'N FLOPPY in a action packed 7 minute duel.
SCARLET devastated THE LOVE BETWEEN in a 1 minute one-sided bout.
NIGHT SHADE luckily beat GENGHIS KHAN in a action packed 5 minute brutal fight.
SOUL CALIBER was overpowered by BEHUTIFUL in a 2 minute one-sided duel.
RAGNAR LOTHBROK was defeated by DATORK in a 1 minute match.
JOAN OF ARC was outwaited by SKYDXDDY in a action packed 7 minute bout.
HORKDUP overcame TRA'SHELLE XANIA in a 2 minute gruesome bout.
WONKEYE savagely defeated AMBITIOUS GUARD in a 2 minute gruesome competition.
HATE beat LORD OF LITTER in a 5 minute novice's fight.
BLURT unbelievably bested MONDEGO in a 3 minute brutal novice's fray.
TITAN OF TRASH murdered ANSEL in a 1 minute one-sided fight.
LEMAN overpowered PERSISTENT BEGGAR in a 3 minute one-sided bout.
VENGEANCE handily defeated HERO OF JHANS in a 1 minute mismatched match.
EDITH THE MAUL vanquished CONVICTED THIEF in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
BATTLE REPORT
MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS
|FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT|
|TOTAL PARRY 15 TOTAL PARRY 83 - 50 - 1 62 |
|BASHING ATTACK 11 AIMED BLOW 25 - 17 - 1 60 |
|LUNGING ATTACK 11 PARRY-STRIKE 29 - 22 - 3 57 |
|AIMED BLOW 7 LUNGING ATTACK 57 - 50 - 7 53 |
|PARRY-STRIKE 6 STRIKING ATTACK 30 - 31 - 2 49 |
|STRIKING ATTACK 5 WALL OF STEEL 10 - 11 - 1 48 |
|SLASHING ATTACK 5 BASHING ATTACK 39 - 58 - 5 40 |
|WALL OF STEEL 3 SLASHING ATTACK 22 - 42 - 5 34 |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE 2 PARRY-RIPOSTE 6 - 14 - 0 30 |
|PARRY-LUNGE 0 PARRY-LUNGE 1 - 4 - 0 20 |
Turn 964 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are:
TOTAL PARRY 12 - 3 LUNGING ATTACK 5 - 6 3 TOTAL PARRY
STRIKING ATTACK 3 - 2 AIMED BLOW 3 - 4 2 PARRY-STRIKE
BASHING ATTACK 6 - 5 SLASHING ATTACK 2 - 3 2 WALL OF STEEL
PARRY-STRIKE 3 - 3 PARRY-LUNGE 0 - 0 1 STRIKING ATTACK
PARRY-RIPOSTE 0 - 2 1 BASHING ATTACK
WALL OF STEEL 0 - 3 1 AIMED BLOW
1 SLASHING ATTACK
TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE
FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME
TOTAL PARRY KILL-KID FIZZLE 6646 23 5 0 104 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
PARRY-STRIKE ALURA 2084 19 15 1 100 IRON DAMSELS (16)
WALL OF STEEL TROY 8620 15 9 0 98 DARK ABUNDANCE (695)
BASHING ATTACK THE LOVE ABOVE 6892 11 5 0 93 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
AIMED BLOW GAMBIT 6161 21 19 2 90 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
SLASHING ATTACK KALISTA J'NAE 6631 15 13 1 83 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
LUNGING ATTACK ALI BABA 8555 6 4 1 61 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
STRIKING ATTACK BEHUTIFUL 3482 7 5 2 57 IRON DAMSELS (16)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.
The overall popularity leader is ALURA 2084. The most popular warrior this turn was
JOAN OF ARC 8566. The ten other most popular fighters were ALURA 2084, SHE-WOLF
8208, TROY 8620, KALISTA J'NAE 6631, GENGHIS KHAN 8210, OVERSIZE CARRION 6620,
BEAUTIFUL SADNESS 6558, SUFFERING 8654, HORKDUP 8578, and DALTOS 8622.
The least popular fighter this week was FLAILING ATTACK 8642. The other ten least
popular fighters were NOT DEN 8570, ANGEL OF REFUSE 8663, HATE 8641, BRICKHOUSE 5960,
HERO OF JHANS 8672, LEMAN 8670, ANSEL 8675, BLURT 8653, TRA'SHELLE XANIA 6630, and
RAGNAR LOTHBROK 8565.
The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:
ALURA (36-2084) IRON DAMSELS (16)
TROY (36-8620) DARK ABUNDANCE (695)
The following warriors have traveled to AD after fighting this turn:
PIXIE DUST (36-6308) MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)